chapter 10: over it

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I think one of the most common questions I get from people and that I’ve heard others (in general) ask, is “how do you know when you’re fully over someone”? To be honest, there is no real way to know, there’s no defining moment or time where you decide to get over someone you’ve lost. It just happens. The important thing to remember is that everyone is different and the moment you realize you are in fact, over them, comes when you least expect it.

For me, that moment came when I allowed myself to be truly and genuinely loved by a new person.

Now, I’ve talked about trust issues, and being single and all the nightmares that come with it, so obviously after being so severely hurt, it was a process to get to the point that I’m at now. To this day, there are still moments that are hard for me, reminders and old wounds that still sting sometimes. I think when something extremely sad happens to you, you will probably carry it with you for the rest of your life. The important thing is to keep the lessons it taught you, and let go of the bad stuff. That challenge is one that cannot be completed easily and time does, as they say, heal all wounds. It also helps to have someone who will be understanding about your hesitations and support you vs ditch you (talking to you fuckboys).

The time between a prior relationship and a new one is tricky…maybe you do have trust issues, maybe you’re paranoid, maybe they are…there are so many factors that play into how this new relationship will progress. For me, I finally felt free when I could listen to songs that used to make me cry profusely and stare out of the bus window like I was in a sad music video, and feel nothing. It was when I woke up and didn’t think of that person anymore, or go to bed and have their face stuck to the back of my eyelids. After a certain period of time, I realized that I missed the feeling I had associated with them, and not them as a person. Additionally, I realized that it is very possible to miss something or someone and not necessarily want it back.

Each moment and situation with my new love, had me comparing to the old one, which is normal. Except this time I felt genuine happiness, satisfaction, respect and adoration. Feelings that were unfamiliar to me, things that I was afraid of before, were now welcomed into my life because I finally felt like I deserved to be happy. With that said, I strongly believe getting over someone has a lot to do with self-worth. When someone hurts you, you sometimes feel like you don’t deserve to be happy because why else would the universe allow something to painful to exist in your life, right? It’s easier to be jaded, to hurt other people to punish the person who hurt you. That may work for you for a while but eventually it becomes tiresome and empty. More importantly, it isn’t real, just a temporary Band-Aid.

People always say it’s hard to be happy, but I think it’s harder to be sad. Being sad takes effort, you remind yourself everyday not to smile, not to have fun, not to let someone in because you’re supposed to be hard, jaded and unobtainable. That’s no way to live.

So, if you’re struggling with letting someone go and you don’t know where to start, try allowing yourself to be happy without questioning whether or not you should be. Let it happen, because like me, you deserve it :).

You have questions, I have answers.

Pretty excited to begin this post because I’ve been getting so many questions lately from people who just can’t believe I wrote about the most personal experiences of my life…on the internet. It’s 2016 though so fuck it. Why not?

Obviously I’m not going to give all these people creative names like I did for the guys (though it is fun to google “names similar to…”) but rather I shall keep them anonymous.

Let’s begin.

Why did I choose to start a blog about past relationships that I had?

To be honest, this whole thing started because earlier this year I found myself to be unemployed. So naturally, being the type of person I am, I wanted to find a way to keep busy. One day I was sitting at my computer around lunchtime (because why not, I had no job to wake up for) and suddenly it dawned on me that I had way too much time to think about my life and everything I had gone through. Essentially work is a distraction that keeps you focused on different tasks every single day; so much so, that you don’t really have time to think about much else (at least for those 8 hours). So, being at home with nothing to do, I found myself feeling inspired. I wanted to write down, make sense of and reflect on every relationship I had because I know it had shaped me into who I am today. Plus, looking back on all the stuff that used to make cry was pretty entertaining, since it has zero effect on me today. Most importantly though, I wanted someone else to read it and feel like they could relate to it, and maybe if they were still going through something difficult, it would give them hope that everything would work for them in the end, the way it did for me. Yes it was hilarious to write about (no seriously, I laughed to myself while writing some of it ) but it was also healing in a weird way.

Did I receive any backlash from guys that I wrote about and if so, did I change anything about what I had already written?

To be completely honest, yes a few people did reach out to me to let me know that they would have preferred if I had asked permission first. I understand that completely and yes I did feel bad, but at the same time, I didn’t mention anything in my posts that was super personal to their lives. I actually censored them a lot and tried to keep the focus on ME and how the situation had affected me, or my point of view on it. No one asked me to take it down, and if they did I would definitely respect their wishes. Nothing I wrote is fiction, keep that in mind :).

Do I currently have a boyfriend and if so, is he okay with what I’ve written about?

For those of you who know me personally, you already know the answer to this question. I won’t divulge it to those of you who just started following me on Instagram (not yet anyway 🙂 ), but lets just say everyone in my life who I consider someone I can trust, does believe in me and what I do. They all support my decisions and projects.

How do you know if the person you’re dating is a waste of time or not?

This is a tough one because every situation and every person, is unique. In my experience, I learned the hard way, I just went through it. Unfortunately that’s the sad reality for most of us but, at the same time it does better prepare us for the right person. If I hadn’t gone through all the bad, I wouldn’t be fit to receive the good. My best advice is just to take it day by day, you can’t fight what life has in store for you and I really do believe everything happens for a reason. Every person who comes in and out of your life, has a purpose and will leave you with something whether they stay or go. Patience is key.

What was the worst or hardest part about being single after a long relationship and what was the best part?

I hate this question because theres literally a million reasons for both, but for the sake of answering I’m gonna narrow it down.

The worst and/or hardest part about being single was the beginning, when I was still dealing with the heartbreak of losing someone and trying to remember and learn how to be alone again. When someone says the word “single” they automatically think “fun” and “freedom”. But to me it meant being completely alone for the first time in a long time, and that was very hard for me. Obviously by reading my posts you can see that I almost always had a boyfriend, that constant was always there so not having one meant I had to really depend on myself, which is hard to do if you’ve never had to before. It was extremely daunting at first but I’m very thankful for that time because it shaped me into the fulfilled person I consider myself to be today.

The best part about being single was also being alone. To make sense of this statement, I mean the aspect of not having to worry about anyone else’s feelings but my own. A big problem in my relationships was that I constantly made everything about the other person and let my own desires and feelings become secondary. With Jason for example, I became completely immersed in his life and ceased to move forward in my own. Being single taught me to take time for me, get to know myself and what I wanted and really prioritize that in my next relationship. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself anyway.

Would I ever consider starting a YouTube channel vs writing in my blog?

Honestly I have thought about it, but someone stole my camera back in February (FUCK YOU WHOEVER DID THAT) so it’s kind of impossible at the moment. BUT, I hope to do that sometime in the future. I love to write but it is something I have thought of, though everyone seems to be doing it lately right??

Would anyone watch it? DM me and let me know 🙂

Till next timeeeee!

chapter 9: trust issues

I’ve talked about many issues that arise when one becomes single; from past lovers making an encore to straight up stranger danger. However, the biggest issue that comes about, at least in my experience, is that of regaining trust in others.

If you’ve never heard a girl, or even a GUY, say “oh, I have trust issues”, then I’m not sure what generation you’re living in (in your mind that is). Trust issues are an EPIDEMIC these days! I’ve read countless articles, seen a multitude of cryptic Instagram photos ( #qotd ) and listened to many horror stories from friends and acquaintances on why they have “trust issues”. And, if you’ve been reading my blog from the beginning, I’m sure that in your mind, I’m the exact type of girl who SHOULD have trust issues…except I don’t.

At least, not anymore.

Many boys have broken my heart along this path I call my Love Life and at this point I should be a raging feminist who doesn’t need a man to make her happy. It took many years for me to learn that the screaming, crying, lamenting and social media stalking would never make me feel better or learn to be unafraid of the next person who expressed a romantic interest in me. The only thing I could do was simply give in. 

The moment my feelings got hurt, every single time, the first thought I had was “how can I avoid this happening again? How can I protect myself from other people who want to hurt me?” and the answer was that I couldn’t. Of course, in each of those moments, my solution was always the same: become a jaded bitch. Eat men for breakfast, chew them up, spit them out. I’ll have to admit after Jason, this worked for me for awhile; I felt great being the bitch, the sassy girl who no man could buckle down. I played games with them the same way they played with me and it was empowering as fuck. Some people might say that this type of relationship manipulation is mean, perhaps downright insensitive…and they’re absolutely right. It was mean and it was insensitive and it was all kinds of wrong, but I had gotten to a point where I just didn’t care. I didn’t care about anyone I dated because I couldn’t trust them, I couldn’t let it go to far and if I did, I’d lose control, therefore making me vulnerable to be hurt again. This is the attitude many of my friends and just regular people out there have adopted.

You can’t get hurt if you don’t let someone close enough to you to hurt you at all.

Fortunately, after awhile I started to ask myself if I wanted to continue living that way, and the truth was I didn’t. I had grown tired of the games, the back and forth, the meaningless conversations. I was someone who was (and still is) extremely monogamous and though I took my time to get over my heartbreak, at one point I knew inside that it was time to stop. I can’t really explain what it was, it was merely a feeling – I was ready to trust someone again and give them 100% of myself. I had spent enough time alone to reflect on myself and my life, my decisions and the consequences of those decisions. I had become a whole person again instead of depending half of myself on someone else. I realized that I had been through hell, so why not let someone in? I could handle it, because I had already gone through worse. At the end of the day, I still had me. I knew who I was and knew I was strong, so whoever came along, be it prince charming or just your regular day to day fuckboy, I knew I’d be okay.

That being said, the only person you need to always trust, is you!

See you in my next post!

chapter 8: leftovers

Whats up guys…

So lately something really strange has been happening and I felt like I had to write about it (if only to make sense of it in my mind).

Now, as many of you may or may not know, I am currently in a relationship. Yes, the sad single days I formerly referred to as my life are finished. However, I am very happy at this moment so its all good. Also if I ever become single again, I’l know I can handle it.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. Yes I have a boyfriend, but apparently all the trolls I had a 3 minute interaction with over the course of 2014/2015 (yes 2 YEARS AGO) were not aware I was off the market, which is problematic when your phone company won’t let you change your phone number (thanks FIDO).

Incident #1

2014: I was on the metro coming home from school, listening to my music and feeling melancholy as I stared out the window, when suddenly I made weird eye contact with some dude sitting across from me. Now, this happens allll the time on the metro; you’re just sitting there minding your own business when suddenly you feel a stranger staring at you as if you’re old friend who ran into each other and they’re testing you out to see if you’ll say hello. Such was not the case, I mean I did not know who the eff this dude was and then, something even WORSE happened…he came and sat next to me. What part of my earphones being in and looking down at my hands was my way of saying “please come sit near me, stranger”. He proceeds to introduce himself, he’s french, also he seems to think coffee is god’s gift to the human race AND he was studying at Concordia. I learned all of this between two metro stops which is probably 1 minute and a half. I decided to humor him and give him my phone number except I made the last number different. Then I got off the metro and hoped to never see this dude again.

Flash forward to a few months ago, I’m at my place just hanging out with my boyfriend when my phone rings. I have that feature that shows you someone’s name even if you don’t have their phone number stored. When I saw it, I got a sense of deja-vue like..do I know this person? So I answered…and its METRO DUDE all “hey-where-you-been-I’ve-been-trying-to-reach-you-for-18-months”.

Me:”I’m sorry I don’t know who you are but my husband and I are trying to put our baby to sleep okay byeeeee”.

All I can say is thank god Apple lets you block numbers…

Incident #2

The week my current boyfriend and went on our first date, I was also talking to this dude *HUGO PLATT (his real name is funnier but I don’t wanna get sued so lets just leave it at that).

I went on a date with my boyfriend on Monday and Hugo and I had a date on the Wednesday. Obviously my date with my boyfriend went super well so I decided to ghost Hugo. For those of you who don’t know what ghosting is, I essentially disappeared from his life with no explanation except “sorry cant make it ok thx bye”. I know it sounds horrible but me circa 2015 gave no fucks. He actually didn’t try to contact me after I bailed on him which I found surprising but I figured maybe it had happened to him already so he didn’t care.

Flash forward to about a month ago, I’m making dinner in my kitchen when my phone starts to ring:

HUGO PLATT IS CALLING! HUGO PLATT IS CALLING!

Homeboy was just going through his contacts looking for someone to #WasteHerTime2016. I mean even when you ghost a guy he somehow still emerges as a fuckboy a year and a half later. Despicable.

 

Incident #3

If anyone reading this has any common sense or courtesy, you’ll know the one of the most ANNOYING things you can do while hitting on a woman is interrupt her gym workout. Yes, if we accidentally lock eyes in the mirror its not because I want you to grunt, drop your weights obnoxiously and then come over and chat. It was probably an accident. But, alas, not all men are privy to this basic rule of thumb.

The gym I go to is chill because they actually don’t let people who compete as bodybuilders work out there. They’re all about equality and comfort, having a sense of confidence while you work out. I’m an athletic person by nature so this method sits very well with me. One day about 2 years ago, I was working out with my two best friends. We’re all sweaty and really killing ourselves, I’m wearing my gross gym clothes because all my Lululemon stuff is in the wash (basic white girl styles) and I’m looking (and probably smelling) pretty gross. All of a sudden, this short little man who we came to refer to as “Awkward Gym Guy” comes over and starts chatting me up. Or trying to. I said trying because the poor guy couldn’t even get out a sentence…then he started pointing out to me that he was aware how awkward he was and slowly backed away mumbling to himself. It was a train wreck.

10 minutes later, we’re doing some crunches on the floor when Awkward Gym Guy starts piling those plastic boxes used for step ups and starts JUMPING over them. Jump, look over at us. Jump, look over. And so on and so on for a good 5 minutes until I could see the sweat glistening on his forehead from 15 feet away. Gotta hand it to him for trying though! I mean I was nice and spoke to him a little bit if only not to embarrass him.

A few months later I came to the gym alone. I was in my zone, listening to my music, doing my leg exercises when I see Awkward Gym Guy gesticulating and waving at me from across the gym. FUCK, I thought to myself. He starts coming over and I’m pointing to my ears, smiling sympathetically all “omg sorry cant hear you” while silently praying he goes away. Even with my music on, I could see he was struggling to form a sentence, blubbering away…at that moment I decided to pull the coldest move ever, look at him with a stone serious face and just walk away.

Awkward Gym Guy was never seen or heard from again…at the gym at least.

In conclusion, I should probably change my phone number and move away.

8 Easy Steps to Getting over Your Ex

I would say that the hardest part about being a millennial is our inability to get over things. Like, we have 0 coping skills – everything bad that happens feels like the end of the world. I feel confident making that statement because I myself, am a millennial. One who’s clearly been through some tough times (see chapters 1 through 7). How many times have you seen someone you know post a cryptic quote on their Instagram right after they deleted all the photos of their ex? Or go on a Facebook rant for days and days about how much they hate their lives? We’ve all done it.

Today, I’m here to try and offer and some advice on how we can slowly but surely regulate this issue so that our future children will just tell someone to fuck off and be done with it. I’m also going to keep it about relationships since I feel that this is my area of expertise (however keep it mind you may apply some of these to everyday life).

Here are the 8 Easy Steps to Getting over Your Ex:

 

  • ACCEPT THIS IS HAPPENING

A big issue in letting situations transpire naturally is the refusal to accept that it’s ACTUALLY transpiring. You know those people who respond to “I’m breaking up with you” with “no”. I’m sorry, didn’t realize my life decisions could just be turned down by other people and I’d have to live with the consequences! If someone tells you it’s over – it’s OVER. Start moving on with your life pronto or you run the risk of becoming the sad desperate person everyone feels bad for (or doesn’t feel bad for cuz you’re so pathetic).

 

  • SEVERE ALL COMMUNICATION

I’ve been guilty of this mistake COUNTLESS times. Break up with someone yet still find the need to text them/respond to their texts and unannounced house visits on the reg. Ask yourself if that’s productive; the whole point of breaking up is to separate in all shapes and forms. I mean “breaking” literally means “to separate” in some way! Do yourself a favor and do NOT speak to this person, the more you do, the worse you’ll feel. Give yourself the time to heal, to think clearly without their constant influence and make some real decisions.

 

  • THE MASTER CLEANSE

I can’t even tell you how many “boyfriend boxes” are stashed away in a closet somewhere in my parents’ house right now. Every time a relationship would end (depending on how bad the breakup was) I would either:

  1. Rip up their stuff and throw it away/burn it/dump it on their front lawn or
  2. Put it in a box!

Putting everything they’ve ever given you / represented your relationship away in a closed box and then hiding it somewhere is actually very cleansing. It’s as if you’re removing them from your life and locking them away, never to be thought of again (hopefully). Another great part of this process is getting a friend to help you (shout out to my bestie – you know who you are) it’s much easier to stop yourself from just keeping that “one thing” as a memento. GET RID OF ALL OF IT.

 

  • UNFRIEND, UNFOLLOW, UNSUBSCRIBE

 

Social media is a BITCH when you’re trying to get over someone, especially in this day and age when we millennials have our phones practically glued to our hands.

The struggle to block/unblock them, get your friends to check up on them, or even go as far as to just hardcore stalk them daily, is very real. It’s probably unhealthier than actually speaking to them directly because you can’t even talk to them about what they’re doing and how its making you feel – you’ll look insane.

The solution, is the 3 U’s: Unfriend, Unfollow, and Unsubscribe. Just virtually remove them the same way you did with all the crap stashed in that box in your closet. If you don’t, you’ll just dig yourself deeper into an emotional hell.

For example: one night, I was at a bar with my friends after that horrifying Jason saga. I was having a great time until I went on Facebook and saw that Jason had wished one of our mutual friends a happy birthday. This wasn’t a particularly bad thing for me to see, however it sent me into a hysteria so bad that my best friend had to take me to the bathroom, confiscate my phone and unfriend him for me. Sometimes, the reigns just have to be taken by someone else. The whole point of this step though, is to encourage you to have the strength to do that yourself.

 

  • BREAK UP WITH YOUR MUTUAL FRIENDS

When you’ve dated someone for a long time, or even a short time, you’re bound to become connected to people in their lives like friends and family. I learned the hard way that hanging on to people who can still mentally connect you to your ex is not only depressing, but useless. Yes, his mother loved you and all of his friends still want to hang out with you when he isn’t around, but what good will that do? His name is bound to come up in conversation and still make you want to lie on the floor in the fetal position while you sob. How about let’s just avoid it completely and tell these people you’d like some space? It’s not mean and it doesn’t insinuate that you dislike them, it just means you need some space to get back to who you are WITHOUT that person. And that’s ok.

 

  • EMBRACE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

Breakups are always hard no matter how it went down, and having people who will be there to support you is very important. I actually forgot how much I loved and valued my friends and my family until I was single and had all the time in the world for them. They were there for me at my worst and now I’m my best self because of them. Keeping a tight support system will not only guarantee that you never feel alone, but also that there’ll be lots of different objective opinions to refer to. Of course, any decision making you make in life should be your own, but sometimes it helps to have an outsider on your side, even if it’s just to listen.

 

  • TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS (it seriously does)

Take your time to grieve, it is okay and yes, it is healthy. Listen to those angry/sad Taylor Swift songs, drink that bottle of wine and eat that box of cookies. And THEN, when your mind is clear and you realize your future is undetermined, you can actually take the time to consider things that maybe you couldn’t see while you were in a relationship. What do you want out of life? Are you happier being single? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? When will you be ready for another relationship? These are all questions that can be answered naturally over time, through experience. There is NO rush – be patient and more importantly, don’t be afraid.

 

  • LOVE YO’SELF!

 

Probably the most important step of all is to realize how fucking awesome you are. Whether you ended the relationship or the other person did, whether one of you cheated, whether it just fizzled out, it doesn’t matter. There’s bound to be doubts and insecurities following the breakup; long hours of remembering specific moments and going over them a million times to figure out what went wrong or being afraid of trusting someone new because fuck it, it’s easier to be jaded or to be an asshole.

The sooner you realize that’s bullshit, the sooner your life will begin to feel less like an episode of “The Real World” and more like a normal day, every day.

Take the time to get to know yourself as an “I” and not as an “us”. The only way you will ever be with someone who treats you like you’ve always imagined and desired, is when you display a person who won’t accept any less than that.

chapter 7: the tinder files

 

tinder

Need I say more? Tinder can be ridiculous sometimes. The above is just a mild example.

I have to say that I was torn when it came to Tinder: do I or don’t I? I was extremely against it at first – all my friends were on it and I swore to myself that I would never do it. It just seemed too desperate, plus, all my single girl friends would tell me horror stories that turned me off to the point where I wanted to delete the app from THEIR phone. But, like most things, I’ll try it once. So, after almost a year of #wastehertime2014 (see chapter 6), I decided it was time to give in and give it a go…and this is what happened.

My first tinder meet up was supposed to be with this guy named *Aaron. I say “supposed to be” because the night went a little different than expected. In the early part of our conversation, Aaron divulged to me that he was a drug dealer. Initially I thought he was joking but he seemed to think this was a legit career (he very proudly told me) and asked that I overlook it as it was making him “a shit-ton of cash…some of which I’ll spend on you if you’re lucky”. Every girl’s dream right? At this point I almost told him to fuck off but decided against it because let’s be honest, I was at the point of my single life where I just didn’t care anymore. He invited me out to meet him at a pub downtown, so I brought my friend *Sarah with me as a buffer, just in case. She was single too so I thought maybe he had a friend for her. Like I said – no fucks given.

So we get to the pub and I text Aaron that I’m there…no answer.

Text him again…no answer.

And again, and again, NO FUCKING ANSWER.

Guys, I’m a very resourceful girl and let’s be honest, AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR A DRUG-DEALING-FLAKE-FUCKBOY. So, I decided to see what my other Tinder buddy *Eddy was up to. Sure enough, he was at another club nearby. Sarah and I went there instead and the night ended up being decent. Sure, Eddy’s friend told Sarah he openly wasn’t listening to a word she was saying, but we didn’t stay too long anyway. Eddy was a decent dude, he dressed well, bought me a drink, he was Jewish AND, he had no fuckboy tendencies that I could see so far. Plus, he was really funny. I was wearing red lipstick that night and totally forgot about it as we made out on the dance floor, only the next morning, Eddy texted me that he preferred if I stopped wearing red lipstick when we saw each other because “it looked like [he] ate a live animal”.

I went on a normal date with Eddy soon after. We got frozen yogurt and he told me all about how his parents called the police on him (reason not divulged) so he was living with his grandma and also currently working on a case against his insane neighbour who he “just didn’t like”.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out.

My next adventure would be *Allan, older than me and also Jewish.

**Just a side note, I wasn’t TRYING to only date Jewish guys, it just kept happening. I also didn’t feel like they were a better choice per say, especially because “momma’s boy” syndrome is very present with them…in my experience :).

Anyway, Allan seemed legit…at first. But, as we all know – you just cant keep the inner weirdo trapped inside! The first time I noticed Allan’s lack of social filter was when he called me while I was on an elliptical at the gym. First of all, EVERYONE KNOW’S the cardinal rule: you don’t interrupt someone’s gym sesh. Not only is it rude and run’s the risk of throwing the person off their game, but it’s also not the time to have a meaningful conversation. That being said, my first thought was to ignore his call, until I heard my mother’s voice in my head about how I would die alone with 12 cats if I didn’t start being more opened minded. So, I answered:

Him: “Hey, what’s up? What are you doing”

Me: “not much…you?”

Him: “Nothing…you sound out of breath..”

Me: “Yeah I’m at the gym”

Him: “Oh..haha…thought you were doing something else..”

Me: “……”

RED FLAG GUYS. RED FLAG.

After our lovely conversation, I went home trying to ignore the little voice in my head telling me that Allan was quite possibly a pervert.

The next day, Allan and I were texting, it was all normal and I was almost forgetting about what had happened while I was at the gym, when he asked me if I wanted to meet and go on a date. I said yes (trying to be opened minded), his ideas consisted of the following:

  1. Hang out for 20 minute’s before he had to go run an errand.
  2. Come over to his friend’s house (“if I wanted”) to watch the Habs game with them….third wheel much??
  3. Accompany him to his parents cabin up north to get the new key while giving him road head ( yes, he actually asked me this ).

Boys and girls, Allan did not last long.

My overall consensus on Tinder is this: sometimes you get lucky and find the love of your life, and sometimes you’re wading through a pool of freaks. It’s your chance to take, either way, makes for some great stories am I right??

chapter 6: single girl problems

me

As far back as I can remember, everyone in my life would tell me that I was boy crazy. Obsessed with boys. Cant be alone. I’ve heard it all. So, after the whole Jason debacle, not only did I vow to be single for as long as possible but I also swore to myself that the next time I got into it with someone in a serious way, I’d make sure it was worth it.

Like all girls who have had their hearts ripped out and stomped on, I went on a little bit of a rampage starting off 2014, which wrapped up nicely mid-2015. The following is what I like to call: The Four Types Of Guys You’ll Meet While You’re Single.

  1. The Fuckboy

Unfortunately, we’ve all had the misfortune of meeting ( and then stupidly getting involved with ) a Fuckboy. Let me tell you, this city is infested with them. They seem to have a radar for women who have recently gotten out of a serious relationship and are looking to lash out at their ex by doing something totally out of their element with a gross stranger. These men are greasy ( as my friend likes to say ); he’s the first one who’ll notice all the pics of your ex are gone from your Facebook, that you went out with your squad the night before and looked smoking hot because you lost 13 pounds due to stress and not eating. Soon, you’ll wake up one morning and discover dick pics on your Snapchat, you’ll get that “wut u doin”  text at 2am on a Saturday night and he’ll definitely act as though he’ll be the one to satisfy your heart when really, all he wants is to satisfy his hormones. Don’t get it twisted; he’ll definitely be there for you physically and you’ll enjoy it, but the second you mistake your emotions from your breakup as new feelings for this dude (because that does happen), he’ll stop answering your texts so fast, it’ll seem as though he moved to Australia.

Never have I met a Fuckboy with empathetic capabilities. It’s just not in his genes, so enjoy it while it lasts and make sure to get it out of your system because the Fuckboy will never be The One.

2. The Older Guy

Ahh, the older man. He has his appeal, doesn’t he? I mean you’d think that if a man is in his early 30s, he has it together emotionally and mentally. Not to mention that he probably moved out of his parents house by now (hopefully), has responsibilities that he’s able to accomplish and especially knows how to treat a woman.

Unpleasantly enough, this isn’t always the case.

The older man will start off by showing you he’s an “adult”. He has a nice apartment downtown, dresses like he shops in other places besides American Eagle and excels at intelligent conversations about current events. By now, you’ve gotten your hopes up, you’re probably thinking, “why the fuck have I been dating guys my age? Older guys are the answer!”. Don’t get too excited, because theres one thing that most men out there seem to have an issue with no matter what age they are. And that thing is called commitment (cue scary music).

My experience with older guys has always been the same: starts off awesome, ends with commitment issues. I mean what is the problem guys?? You’re 30+ years old, its time to stop going to clubs and creeping out 20 year olds. Get your priorities in check! These men like to act as if they’re functioning adults, when really, they’re stuck in an 18 year olds mindset. At least in my experience, this has been the case. Hopefully there are men out there who can prove this theory wrong. For now though, I see it as a huge issue. It’s even worse for those of us who have grown in a relationship with someone and now we’re BOTH older and he STILL cant commit. Shoutout to all the dumb girls who have been with their men since high school and he still wont marry her. #byeeeeee!

3. The Good On Paper Guy

This is perhaps the most unfortunate situation to be in when you’re single. This dude has all the makings of a boyfriend, but is missing a certain, je ne sais quoi. Being with him is like going to the grocery store and seeing your favourite type of food is on sale, only to discover that the specific flavour you like is NOT. It’s just an unfair mindfuck.

The reason I refer to this type of guy as “good on paper” is because if you were to list their qualities, everything would add up to them being the perfect boyfriend. The problem here is that if you didn’t already realize by reading all my other posts, someone can be amazing on paper but terrible as fuck on the inside. In this case, the Good On Paper Guy has everything you want on the surface, but just doesn’t give you the butterflies. He doesn’t make you want to stay up all night thinking about him, you don’t care if he doesn’t text you for a few days and when he does, your level of excitement is on par with solving a Soduku puzzle. His Tinder profile most likely resembles something of this nature: “I like to travel and eat sushi. I’m looking to meet someone to have new and exciting adventures with. My hobbies include kayaking and reading Time magazine.”

Now if that doesn’t make you want to rip your panties off, I don’t know what does!

I once had a Good On Paper Guy tell me he “enjoyed my company”. At the time, I wondered what the hell that meant but now realize that’s all we were doing; keeping each other company until someone better came along. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this, just make sure that you don’t get stuck in a mediocre situation when you could be missing out on something spectacular.

4. The Recycled Ex

This is by far the biggest offence a woman can commit after becoming single. Females everywhere be warned, that “back-pedalling” as I like to call it, is NOT the answer.

The Recycled Ex is the one thats always in the background, waiting for his turn to arrive (again). He’s the one you maintain a friendship with throughout all of your relationships AFTER him, but you can never manage get back together. Whenever things were bad with your last boyfriend, you thought of him or texted him. After the breakup, you immediately hung out with him because now you could. At one point or another, you’ll probably start sleeping together again because he wants you back and you’re lonely. He’s familiar, you’re comfortable with him and you know his affection for you goes deeper than just sex. However, the downside is that 9 times out of 10, one of you will end up getting hurt, so why not spare each other a repetition of your breakup and just STAY AWAY.

I truly believe that ex’s can never be friends; I’ve tried it and failed miserably every time. You broke up for a reason and should never forget that. Although its hard to make rational decisions when your heart is in pain, the ex is not the one to fix it.

 

So you see, there are still mistakes to be made while you’re single, its not all fun and games. Eventually though, you’ll meet someone amazing and these guys will be a distant memory. Make smart choices!

 

chapter 5: the one you thought was the one…but wasn’t.

When I told my mom about my blog, she was super supportive in terms of the content, I mean lets be real – she had to suffer through all that shit with me. But, as we all know, moms will almost always tell you what they really think. So, on that note, when she asked me whether or not I was going to write this chapter, my response was yes, of course. I would try to make it as humorous as possible just like the other ones. Her response: “Oh Gaby…I don’t think there’s any way to make THIS story funny”.

And she is correct. Grab a Kleenex guys, shit’s about to get real.

I was only 20 when *Jason and I met. Its important to note that once again, I had a boyfriend at the moment we first interacted, but there was a reason it was okay. Basically, Jason and I had gone to Hebrew school together as children. He actually used to tease me but I still maintained a massive crush on him. Our last names both started with the same letter, so he was my buddy to call if I was sick, we had to sit next to each other on the bus, all that good stuff. After I left the school, we obviously lost touch, but I never forget a face.

13 years later, Garrett asked me if I wanted to go to this local rabbi’s house for dinner one night and I said yes in support of his newfound religious beliefs. So we’re eating, everything’s cool, and then I heard the front door open; in walks Jason. I remember thinking that I must have known him, he seemed really familiar. Like I said, I never forget a face so it only took me 10 minutes or so to realize who he was. I didn’t say anything at first, I mean I didn’t want to look like a freak! Oh hey, its that girl you used to tease who openly scribbled your name all over her notebook! Instead, I just listened to him speak, and was mesmerized. I had never been so enthralled by someone before. He had this way about him – charming and witty, but you could tell he hadn’t fully experienced life, he was innocent and sweet and in that moment I’m sure if he asked me to leave with him, I would have gone without a care for Garrett. It seems terrible but it was just one of those things…when I got home later that night, I immediately Facebook stalked him and he responded pretty quickly: “no way! grade three?!”.

From there on, we started to talk a lot. We even got to hang out sometimes since Garrett and Jason had mutual friends. As Garrett’s trip to Israel started to get closer, he could sense that I was kind of into Jason. His name would come out of my mouth so often but I just couldn’t help it. Garrett was super jealous but I assured him Jason and I were just friends. He left, and I kept hanging out with Jason. We’d talk for hours, listen to classical music in his car, sit in parks at night. It was the first time I had simply hung out with a guy I liked without making out or jumping into a relationship. I just loved talking to him – he had such a beautiful mind, he was into science and he was also a musician. He made me laugh like crazy too. We challenged each other in a certain way and he made me feel curious, like I wanted to learn more and do more. At this point after everything I’d been through with guys, I sort of had an idea of what I wanted, and he was it.

The day that Garrett broke up with me, I came home from the water parks and a friend of mine was having a party at his house. I grabbed a bottle of white wine from my parents stash, went to my friends house and downed that thing in about 10 minutes. Then, like all classy drunk girls, I texted Jason to come see me. He was the only person I wanted to be around in that moment. So, 20 minutes later, he pulled up to my friends house in his mom’s van and we left. I don’t even know if anyone noticed I was gone, but I didn’t care. We drove to this house that was being built, they had an empty in ground pool and in the backyard, a bunch of rocks facing a shallow stream of water. We sat there and talked for hours, I told him all about Garrett’s abuse and he comforted me. As a friend, it was the right thing to do, but I knew this was more, for me at least.

For a week or so, Jason and I hung out everyday. I was even introduced to his friends, who immediately took to me, and I them. All I thought about was how perfect we were together, so I started to drop hints to Jason, try to get closer to him when we’d hang out; subtle things. And although it was obvious to everyone that he liked me too, he held off very strongly. This should have been a sign, and thinking back on it now, it makes so much sense. 6 years ago though, I had no idea.

Jason expressed that he didn’t want a girlfriend, that I was on the rebound; he always had excuses. One night though, I put him on the spot, basically told him it was now or never, and he kissed me. And it was magical. For the next 3 months, we continued our “friendship” except now, it was more of a physical friendship to add to our verbal bonding. It took me 3 MONTHS to get him to be my boyfriend. Not to say that I expected him to ask me right away, but 3 months is a long time. Especially since we’d been talking and hanging out for 5 or 6 months BEFORE any of this even happened. To me there was no question; I wanted to be with him. But, he was so set on not giving in, it made everything harder than it had to be.

This would be a theme between us for the next 3 years; a tug of war with him on every step that we took together. Now, I know that I should have seen this as a red flag, but back then, he was like a beautiful disaster of a challenge that I didn’t want to back down from. His off-putting demeanour didn’t bother me for long because he would always give something to hold on to. He would never meet me fully but he’d come close enough so that I would be happy. He was a master at avoiding confrontation.

Over the course of these 3 years, I became super close with everyone in his life: his family, his friends. It seemed like we’d been together for years, and I loved him deeply. I thought I could never love someone else like that, that he had to be the one. If he wasn’t, who was? I was extremely immersed in his life, yet he was not immersed in mine. He barely spent time with my family, he scoffed at my friends, he didn’t believe in my dreams though I did everything to help him achieve his. At this point I’m sure you’re all thinking, WTF?? WHY DIDNT YOU DUMP HIM?? I mean thats what I would have advised anyone else who had a boyfriend like this. But Jason always gave me small doses of love, moments of clarity where he would apologize and promise to change. I held on to those moments and used them as an excuse for him, knowing full well he wouldn’t come through.

There were many incidents where he lied to me, I knew he did and said nothing. There were moments were he would disappear for hours, I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. There were SO MANY things, so many situations that looking back now, I just don’t understand why I put up with it. But I did.

In the 3rd year of our relationship, circumstances arose that resulted in him basically having to move out of his parents house. I wasn’t getting along with my mom at the time and it seemed like the perfect solution for us to move out together. We’d talked about it before but we never planned on actually doing it before finishing school. We did it anyway though, I found an apartment for us and we moved out maybe a month after making the decision. I think that I thought us living together would fix our issues, that we could be alone, without our parents and bond over our new found independence.

It was the exact opposite.

Jason and I had very different ideas about how we wanted to live – he wanted to feel the same way he did with his parents and I knew we couldn’t afford that. He had been working all summer at a job in his field and I was working part time in a retail store. We were both still in school and money was very tight. As everyone knows, money is a leading cause of divorce and in this case, issues in relationships. At least it started with money. Eventually Jason stopped coming home at night, made new friends ( none of which I knew ) and befriended one particular female which obviously made me extremely uncomfortable.

One night, we had a party and invited all of our friends – Jason invited his new friends too, including this girl. I was so stressed out with everything that’d been happening that I basically killed a bottle of vodka to myself and smoked a huge joint. I was messed up and feeling all kinds of emotions, as anyone would in that situation. In my blurry haze, I saw the girl walk in. I knew who she was, but when I finally got to talking to her, it was clear something had been going on.

Me: ” Hey! Thanks for coming!”

Her: “No problem! I really wanted to come, Jason is such a good study buddy he definitely deserved a night to party.”

Me: ( still with a smile on my face, trying not to punch her ) “Study buddy? What do you mean?”

Her: “Yeah, all these late nights at the library! He really motivates me!”

Guys, I don’t think I heard anything after the word “library” before grabbing Jason and cornering him in our bedroom with the door closed. I just broke down; it was obvious there was something going on with this girl.

Ladies you know what I’m talking about! That gut feeling! DONT IGNORE IT.

He obviously denied everything and somehow twisted the situation so that he was mad at ME for being suspicious. He walked out and I passed out on our bed and woke up the next day at 5:30pm.

Now, here’s where things got really messy. It’s a lot to explain so I thought it would be more clear in timeline format:

December 22nd

5:30pm: Jason leaves our apartment – doesn’t say where he’s going.

9:30pm: I wake up from a nap on the couch – he isn’t home.

11:30pm: I discover his phone is off – or died.

3:00am: Jason comes home, grabs some beer from our fridge and proceeds to leave again, telling me I am not welcome to join whatever the fuck he’s going to do.

December 23rd

11:30am: Jason has still not come home, I cannot contact him so I decide to leave and go to my friends house, taking clothes with me.

9:00pm: Jason calls me and says his phone “died”. Sorry.

9:00pm-9:30pm: I yell at Jason telling him if he doesn’t come see me to talk, we’re done.

December 24th

Jason says he will come see me, but never shows up.

December 25th

6:00pm: Jason comes to pick me up to go to our friends Christmas party, acting like everything is fine and dandy. But its NOT GUYS.

10:00pm: I drag Jason to our friend’s bedroom and demand answers. He asks me to go on a break and swears there is nothing going on with the girl.

12:00pm: Jason brings me home in complete silence.

December 26th

4:30am: Jason calls me and wakes me up. He asks if I can stay with my parents for “2 weeks or something”. I tell him to fuck off and hang up.

10:00am: I attempt to go to work for Boxing Day but my manager sends me home because the customers are concerned that I keep crying into a folded pile of t-shirts.

December 27th – January 2nd

I go up north with my friends for New Years. Jason does not speak to me, does not wish me a happy new year, and I also see a picture of him on Facebook with this girl and a few other people. They’re at a chalet not far from where I am.

I drink 4 more shots and go to bed.

January 2nd

Jason calls me and asks if I want to meet him at a Tim Hortons downtown. I go, almost puke and drive away but manage to get myself inside. We talk for awhile and he asks me to come home ( at this point I had gone back to the apartment while he wasn’t home and dismantled my bed, but not before doing an CSI Miami level forensic inspection of every corner of the place looking for signs of infidelity). I very stupidly say yes, take all my stuff back, put my bed back together and resume living with him.

January 6th – January 10th

I am in the apartment and Jason is home for the entirety of the night 2 out of the 4 days. On the 10th, we go to a chalet with his friends. He leaves the room whenever I walk in.

January 12th

We’ve been awake all night and Jason goes to brush his teeth at 6am. His phone is left unattended. I look at it, because at this point, who cares. I get the confirmation I need with tons upon tons of messages clearly showing I was right all along.

 

This story is long and sorted and very messy. I mean its not really even worth going into detail about what followed this. Think screaming, throwing things, crying, etc. I left the next day and never went back. Obviously he tried to get me back and I even almost gave in a few times, but the fact remains: a relationship should never be this way. People like to hang on to moments or times where people in their lives were who they wanted them to be. But people change, shit happens, and when its time to let go, you have to do it. This is a lesson that unfortunately can only be learned through experience.

We have made our peace, I got the answers to all the questions I was holding on to and, if you know me on a  personal level, you’ll know I am much happier now. I thank the universe for bringing Jason into my life – though he hurt me more than anyone ever has, I know that I wouldn’t be who I am now, if it weren’t for that experience. As cheesy as it sounds, if you’re going through something similar, it’s gonna get better and I promise its worth it 🙂

A little side note…

2016.

Today, I’ve decided to take a break from boy-bashing and talk about something important that I think my fellow millenials / gen Y-ers will appreciate.

Don’t worry, I still have more dating horror stories for y’all but please accept this brief interruption.

Now, we always discuss relationships here on my blog. We discuss relationships all over the internet in fact, but they always seem to be spoken about in the romantic sense. My question today, is how come no one talks about the relationships between friends? You see, friends, are an extremely important factor in life. They’re the people who contribute the most to the person you become over the years, besides your family and maybe one or two significant lovers. They’re the people who never waver ( or who shouldn’t waver if they’re really your friend ) from your life, no matter what. Bros before Hoes, Chicks over Dicks etc, that type of thing…but what happens when you lose that?

Recently, I was reading an article on Elite Daily, one of my favourite sites for articles about life / love / work that talked about the stages of how we see relationships through our 20s. The author described the process perfectly, at least from where I stand. The older you get, the wiser you become and the easier it is for you to pick out the Fuckboys from the group before you settle on an actual good guy ( or girl ). I mulled this over for a few hours as I like to do after I read something and I realized that this same idea applied to friends. Before we can realize who our real friends are, we have to spend a lot of time letting them do shitty things to us. This process can take YEARS. Contrary to having a boyfriend or girlfriend, they can fuck up once and you would #BYEFELICIA them so fast, however with a friend, its a little harder to do. Friends are supposed to be forever and so when someone does us wrong, or starts acting a fool, its much more difficult to cut them out of our lives.

Yes, this is a crappy realization for most of you.

Speaking for myself, as a 25 year old female who has seen the best and the worst of friends, I can tell you that by the time 30 rolls around, you’ll probably be surrounded by (example) 5 real friends instead of the 20 fake ones you had in high school or college. Although, fake is a harsh term. Lets call them “temporary”. When you’re young, everything is easy. You go out, get drunk, eat bad food and swap clothes with your girls and it all seems so important at the time. If you’re a guy, maybe you play sports with your guys, or video games, go out and try to pick up girls, whatever the case may be. As the years pass, everyone starts to go their own way, get real jobs and become real adults. Maybe get into serious relationships that aren’t based on drunk texts…trust me when I say that this will separate the “temps” from the “forever” friends. The point I’m trying to make is that you, whoever you are and whatever your situation is, should never be upset or feel like you lost something when this occurs. When your friend who was your bestie in high school or college stops calling, do not be mad at this person. Do not bash them to mutual friends, do not sit at home and wonder what you did wrong – let them go.

I truly believe that whoever is meant to stay in your life, will stay, without you having to try, or ask. Just like a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Up next, The One You Thought Was The One….But Wasn’t.

Stay tuned :).

chapter 4: the rollercoaster

me

My expression is the above photo pretty much sums up 2009-2010 ( BRB CRYING ).

To refresh your memory – I had just dumped Ethan and was starting a very exciting new romance with Garrett…and this guy was GOOD; he was romantic, thoughtful, charming, but most importantly seemed to think I was the most perfect creature to ever grace the planet. Coming down from my haze, from someone so different, I felt like this was pure heaven. We would sit in my car parked in front of his house, listening to John Mayer and reeling in the fact that we were oh-so-perfect for each other…you could smell the cheese from a mile away.

Now, here’s the thing about dating a guy like this: its never real. Ladies, sorry to disappoint you, but you could have the sweetest, most cheesiest Nicholas Sparks fan on your hands and he could still unleash something on you so fucked up that you’d think he was suddenly a stranger…and this is what happened to me.

I started to notice a change in Garrett, subtle at first but definitely there. He would fight with me about the smallest things, he was crazy jealous and he also was starting to become more and more religious ( Judaism ) which sort of made me feel pressured to do the same. We’d have these insane fights where I would leave and speed off in my car, tires screeching all the way down the street, he would proceed to chase me to my house and there, followed lots of tears and screaming that would disturb the neighbours (but they knew that was my jam back in ’06 so…who cared right?).

In July of 2010, Garrett decided that he wanted to go on a religious excursion with a local Rabbi who was taking some youths to Israel for 5 weeks. There, they would study the Torah (jewish bible) for a few hours, live among the people in religious housing and get to experience the country at the same time. When Garrett left, I’ll admit I was devastated. Even though he drove me crazy, I mistook it for love. I thought that real love was to fight and be crazy and have beautiful make ups…but such is the mind of a 20 year old I guess. Or just me.

Anyway, so he left. We Skyped and Facebook chatted and all those things, but the longer he was gone, the more free I felt. In a weird way, I finally felt like I could breath and just love him from afar and not have the stress of him breathing down my neck and nitpicking at everything I did or said. It’s a weird thing to feel because as much as I still cared about him and wanted him here with me, I also felt relieved to be rid of him for a few weeks. This feeling of relief only lasted a little while though…over the next few weeks, I felt as though Garrett had lost his mind. He became increasingly controlling, even from over there. He would call me every 10 minutes, even when he knew I was at work, get mad at me if I didn’t answer, then scream at me to the point where he would make me cry. He was also extremely jealous, stalking my Facebook and asking me a million questions about every male species I took a photo with, even people he knew I had been friends with for years. The anxiety he gave me was so bad I could barely eat or sleep and shuddered every time my phone rang.

One day, I was on my way to the water parks in Sauveur with some friends. Garrett was messaging me all sweet like “hey babe/ how are you/ cant wait to see you blah blah blah”. I responded that I was with my friends and wouldn’t be able to answer the phone soon. The night before, we had all gone clubbing and gotten very, very drunk. Yes there were pictures on Facebook, but had I done anything wrong? No. I was just having a good time with my friends. So, 4 hours later, I check my phone and there are…no joke…like 20 missed calls, 17 Facebook messages: “YOU’RE A SLUT. WE’RE DONE YOU WHORE” (among other things). Apparently, there was a photo that had seriously offended him and it was SO OBVIOUS that I’d been blowing this dude in an alleyway.

***It should be known that I had intended to insert the photo into this post but it has since been deleted from Facebook. It’s safe to assume Garrett probably reported it for inappropriate context and wrote a personalized letter to Mark Zuckerberg to remove it***

Anyway, back to my story.

The picture was actually nothing. My friend and I just sitting on a curb with our arms around each other, smiling in a friendly manner towards the camera ( we appear sweaty from the hot club atmosphere and the dancing, not from any sexual activities…GOD). Garrett was furious, I called him and he just yelled at me a bit and then dumped me. I think my exact words after we hung up were “well, guess thats over” I mean I was just EXHAUSTED. This dude was nuts and I felt relieved to be free of his harassment once and for all, even if he was wrong.

If you’re curious, I have spoken to him since then and he seems to be doing well…

BUT, if other people tell you the person you’re dating is emotionally unstable, you should probably take it seriously!

You’re welcome.